Where have I been? Procrastinating (kinda)
Aside from occasional laziness, there are a number of ‘things’ which have really held me back from writing this blog (yeah, 3 posts in two years isn’t a blog) and I think it ultimately boils down to just a few of those ‘things’ which also are accountable for holding me back as an artist and self-loving human generally. I know from friends and colleagues that it is far from a unique feeling of ironic loneliness (i.e. we are not alone in our situation, but feel it)
The most prominent of those ‘things’ is a massive fear of failure, and/or, what is referred to in the world of literature on ADHD more specifically (diagnosed at 25 years old) as procrastination paralysis. What does that mean? It means we don’t want to start because of an intense fear of failure because we tend to look at the mountain as a whole rather than the portioned-up, effectively tiny increases in altitude that less perfectionisty/perhaps more rational(?) folk tend to see. Add to that, that as a result, we procrastinate, A LOT and know we should be doing something… lots of things - many ideas, that we instantly tell ourselves are either stupid or immediately unattainable, and we are paralysed by our procrastination with an incredible sense of uselessness, guilt, shame…accompanied by thoughts that:
1. Nobody would understand if we explained where our heads were at
2. Well what is the best use of our time anyway? Ah f this, someone recommend a series we’ll resent and hate ourselves for watching
3. Since we also want to see marked improvements constantly in all areas, would starting be worth it anyway? Since by doing X we neglect Y and we don’t want someone else defining us by X that they most recently saw us do.
I personally often direct, shoot, edit and also very basically colour grade my work. Oh and I do sometimes write (the hardest of all things to get off my arse to do but often the most mentally-rewarding). This is partly because I don’t live in a place where is a great deal of higher profile jobs requiring (and with budget for) specialists but also because I frankly love all of it and all of it occupies my hyper-active mind in one way or another. Interestingly, I’m bored AF most of the time but give me edit to sink my teeth into and I won’t move other than for coffee and toilet breaks for hours and hours at a time. Same for a camera in front of me, I don’t want to be anywhere but there at that moment. This does also lead to then not knowing how to price our services and generally undervaluing ourselves because we don’t see ourselves for what we are evidently capable of; more for what we feel we’re not, for some reason, good enough, ever, or so we feel. But that drives us to work harder, read more, watch more, ask more, obsess more, and change for the better…so it’s not all terrible in that regard.
‘Cut to’, planning, directing, shooting, editing, colour grading, and sourcing music/sound design for a 2-minute video with thousands of £ worth of kit and being scared or feeling fraudulent in asking for the ‘X’ we know deep down we are ‘worth’. Of course that in turn means that I spread myself very thinly and can’t decide where I most logically ‘fit in’. Hence the increased imposter syndrome and the paranoia that I am not good ‘enough’ at any one thing. So why bother?
I dunno, just do if it makes you happy.
I suddenly felt like writing this ‘blog’ post, so here we are…
What do I do? Me.
What is my specialism? Filmmaking
But come on, you need to have a ‘thing’ you do. Do I? I’m doing me, hire me if you want, and pay me what I’m worth. Pay more later because I’m only getting better.
Ciao for now (s/o to Marky Mark Glazzard).